A whole new ME!

This past month I stumbled upon an amazing concept called Bible Journaling. In a nutshell you spend time in the Bible (devotional/quiet time) and then you express yourself directly into your Bible with Art.

Here is a great Example from Shanna Noel's blog : here The above picture was taken from the blog post I linked you too. I have also immersed myself into a Facebook group dedicated to this. Journaling Bible Community. Find it here. This is a closed group...just ask to join!

I haven't started working in a Bible yet. I am personally waiting until I can purchase the one I want. It is a BEAUTIFUL leather journal Bible. Here it is on Amazon. Since I am waiting I have been using my Art journal and my Devotional journal. And collecting lots of ideas and supplies! But, I have noticed since I stumbled upon this concept that I have a new excitement for the Word of God. For so many years I allowed myself to have a surface relationship with God. I was hurt so many times by the church or people from the church that I turned away. Sure I prayed everyday, listened to K-LOVE and other christian music. But I lost that deep connection that comes only from spending time in God's Word. Reading, mediating and searching for nuggets of truth and promises.

Last week I found a devotional site/app that really resonates with me. She Reads Truth. I now eagerly get up in the mornings and jump into my Bible. Spending an hour or more devouring God's promises. I almost don't recognize myself anymore!

And for that I am Thankful!

Give Thanks to the Lord, for his Steadfast Love Endures Forever! Psalms 136

There is beauty in the brokenness...

Hand surgery was a success. Came home with a simple bandage, able to use it without much restriction.HOWEVER, (there is almost ALWAYS a However) 2 weeks after surgery, on June 9th I fell. On my way to San Diego with my parents, sister and niece we stopped to get gas. I was walking from point A to point B and instead of going around a small wall, I attempted to step up the wall. My left hip gave out on me and I fell down. Landing on my hands and knee. The moment I fell I KNEW. I broke my "good" hand. Of course. I injured my newly fixed hand a tad too. I spent the next 3 days icing my hands and limping around with a sore hip. I followed up with my hand doctor as soon as I got home and sure enough I broke my left thumb. Plus I now sport a lump under the surgery site and it is still swollen and hard. With time it should heal.

A week after I fell and broke my hand, I tripped on small ledge in a parking lot. I immediately KNEW that I tore something in my hip. Oh the pain. I called my hip surgeon and was able to get right in to see him. He did his exam and decided I was wrong, I didn't tear anything. I begged him for a MRI and he reluctantly agreed. The results of the MRI?

Interval progression of mild left gluteus medius insertional tendinosis with interval development of small interstitial partial thickness tears of its anterior insertion.




In short, I broke my butt!



I had a 3-4 inch tear in the butt muscle. My doctor said it would heal on its own and there was nothing I could do for it. I PUSHED for physical therapy. He reluctantly agreed. For six weeks I went to pt twice a week, in addition to pt, James and I walked, hiked or rode bikes 5 days a week. I tried really hard. I pushed myself through so much pain. My hip and my knee (from an injury a year ago) continued to cause problems. I finally ended up using a knee brace anytime we were active. I returned to my doctor and he basically informed me he was done with me and referred me to his partner. I saw the new doctor a week later and he declared with 100% certainly that I would only heal with surgery. So over 3 months after injury I had surgery to repair the tear. Surgery was 10 days ago.

Next week I see my knee specialist. I have been checking in with him periodically regarding my knee and kneecap. The MRI of it (a year ago) said I had instability and a tilted knee cap. I did have nearly 3 months of pt. Time was suppose to heal it, but with activity it just got worse. I wouldn't be surprised to have surgery scheduled soon.


Also next week, I get to meet my NEW RHEUMY!! I have such HIGH hopes for this appointment.

Later this month, after I figure out what the plans are for my knee, I have to have a revision surgery on my right pinkie. The sagital band needs to be tightened a bit. There is much clicking when I use my pinkie. And after a period of using, like when crocheting, it will lock and I have to massage it to move it again. Fun times.

I TRY my best to not question the why's. I TRUST that GOD KNOWS my story. I am learning so much recently about myself, about MY faith. I am growing daily in my relationship with God. And am excited to start documenting this part of me too! There is HOPE in our tomorrow's.



"Life isn't suppose to be easy. Life is hard. Very hard. But there is so much beauty in those dark valleys. I believe God gives us more than we can handle, so that we are broken and have no choice but to rely on Him. I understand you are struggling and feel so very alone. And I am so sorry. My heart really is broken for you. But death in "your time" isn't the answer. Ever." -Me

Another Day, Another Year

As usual the Good intentions to keep this blog updated just didn't happen. You would think that it would be simple to just type up a few simple thoughts. However, I never seem to be able to do that. I have great excuses, but they are just that... excuses.

So what is new? So much! Yet so little.

I have finally scheduled surgery for my right hand. On Wednesday I will be having my 4th hand surgery. Two things will be getting fixed. First the tendon that has been hurting for many years will be fixed. There is a bone spur that is rubbing it, so this will be shaved down. The sheath for the tendon will be opened up, allowing more room for the tendon to do its job. And if the doctor finds any damage to it, he will repair it. Also, the doctor will be tightening the joint to my thumb. And taking a look to see why it isn't working properly. I should have a simple recovery. I am looking forward to being able to crochet, write and use a knife again! As well as a few other simple activities!

I still haven't found a new Rheumy.... for the last 2 years my neurologist has done his best to manage my Ankylosing Spondylitis. But this is his last month in his current position. He is leaving for a new job in a new state. Living in a city with a million snow birds and retirees you would think we would have our pick of Rheumy's but we have only a dozen or so....crazy. Thankfully I don't need to find a new neurologist, yet. I plan one seeing the replacement doctor. Praying he is good and has some new ideas for my treatment. My headaches have been getting worse, so much pressure in the back of my head. And this last week I have felt/heard a pop in my neck, three different times. The first two times I was in horrible pain for the remainder of the day, by the next morning I was much better. This last time, yesterday, the pain was way worse and today I have not recovered. I can't bend to look down and turning either way is difficult. Come Tuesday morning I will be making an appointment with the new neurologist.


God is Good, All the Time!

How does time fly?

I know I say this all too often, but I can't believe how time has flown by. I keep promising myself I will post often and then MONTHS fly by and life goes on. So lets see if I can get caught up a bit. Bullet point style:

• My hand healed great. I have amazing PT support! Every so often it starts to tighten up, but as long as I massage it and loosen the scar tissue up all is good.
• My knee still has some issues. It likes to give out every so often and it loves to swell. But recovery can easily take up to a year. 
• My hip never got better. We thought the knee was causing hip issues, or maybe arthritis. But it turned out I had a tear that needed to be repaired. However, it was too damaged and the surgeon was only able to clean up the fibers. It has healed great, except for the groin area. Still lots of pain there.
• During the MRI for my hip, the radiologist discovered that my cyst on my right ovary was still present. We are keeping tabs on it, might have to have it removed, at some point.
• Also found on my MRI was a mass in my lower back. After a repeat MRI to get a closer look, it was determined to be a Tarlov cysts. The doctor isn't too concerned, but we will be keeping an eye on it and monitoring my pain.
• I have had 2 failed epidural shots into my lower back. And 1 successful facet joint injection.
• I have maxed out my Lyrica dosage and determined that I didn't get any good results from it. Just gained a ton of weight. So I self tapered myself off of it and feel much better!! 
• We bought bikes for James and Me and the kids have hand me down bikes. We take family rides often.

Do you see that last bullet point? I am active! I am exercising! We ride several times a week and average 8 miles a ride. Crazy!! Even though I still struggle with several things, this is the BEST I have felt in years!

My sweet family is doing good. Better then good! We are Exceptional!

In all things God is Good!

If we just sit and hurt, nothing will ever change for the good.

This sentence makes me sit back and truly think. I believe that my personal pain is more then physical, it is also a mental hurt and my heart hurts. 

Being ill with multiple illnesses, I am fully aware of the physical pain. My body hurts ALL THE TIME. The degree in which I am in pain varies throughout the day. Each moment is different then the moment before. When asked to specify what hurts I am not always capable of answering this completely. 99% of the time my answer will be the body part that hurts the MOST at that moment in time. To be completely honest would be too overwhelming, for myself and the questioner.

My mental pain comes from trying to keep up with the daily pace of life. Often with a massive headache. My mind is constantly in overdrive, processing the lights and sounds around me. Often I can't keep up and thoughts become a jumbled mess. Unable to process what is being said to me is almost like being deaf. I can hear the words being said, but they don't register. It is quite frustrating for myself and those around me.  Being fairly new to my illnesses, I am mentally exhausted. Trying to educate myself and those around me is my new full time job. Arranging medical appointments with doctors, physical therapy, lab work and scans, having and recovering from surgery is all consuming. Thinking about the next step and praying that the medical professionals take you seriously and acknowledge you is stressful. My mind hurts.

My heart is in pain too. The emotions of being sick can be overwhelming as well. But I think having an "invisible illness" or not having a "socially acceptable illness" causes my heart to hurt the most. Being honest here. The general public gravitate to certain illnesses. The one that comes to mind first is cancer. Sometimes it feels as if you are only truly sick if you have some form of cancer. When you say you suffer from Arthritis the reaction is "oh just arthritis". And honestly I haven't told but a handful of people about the Chiari. Why bother. One, it is quite complicated to explain and two, will they even care. sigh. My heart hurts because there is no support in my life, beyond my husband and mom.

 If we just sit and hurt, nothing will ever change for the good.

Making change for the good....

I need a game plan. I do not want to sit and allow pain to rule my life. I need to move forward. So how am I going to do that?

Physically: I plan to work towards a healthier life style. Making changes to my eating habits and my activity habits. I want to do this, I need to do this.

Mentally: I need to slow down and realize my limitations. Accept them and adjust my life to my new pace. Stop obsessing over the what ifs. And focus on the good.

My heart: I will dive into God's truths. Stop looking for others to fill His shoes. Be thankful for what I do have. Choose Joy!

In all things God is Good. In my illness God is Good. In those that disappoint me, doctors, friends and family, God is Good. My God is Good and My Good is Faithful.